Thursday, August 18, 2011

Twenty Minutes of Honesty

I’ve been an awkward, shy, kid most of my life. My shyness has gotten in the way of many opportunities and well meaning people who have attempted to influence my life in the positive and its’ lead me to chase many people who I thought could be the goddess-savior from my lonely life. This chase has often led to a great deal of disappointment and tears over people who I so heavily idealized that they could’ve never lived up to the billing that I gave them.

This frustration with my own life has caused me for years to blame others for own personal failings. Everyone from my mother, to a laundry list of government agencies, my own disability that makes me feel like a freak sometimes, and countless others.

The blame for my life belongs with me and me alone.

That realization feels good. I’m in graduate school now and the same old shy Michael just isn’t going to cut it anymore.

I’ve made many mistakes in my life, trusted people who never earned that trust, and given people the opportunity to change my life, often for the worse.

My patience is none for pretend a friends and wannabes, who think they know me just because they know random bits of information about me. I’m about the truth now and for those who can’t handle said truth “There’s the door, don’t let it smack u in the behind on the way out.”

No one can fix my life, but me and its’ about time I got around to it. I’ve been accused in the past of doing anything to get people to like me, and instead ended up with few friends and shattered expectations. But whose expectations were shattered? Namely my own for thinking that one person was going to change a mess that was my creation.

I have plenty of critics who think that I’m a jerk and I can’t really blame them for this because its’ true sometimes. I can’t be a perfect person…sorry, but I’m ready to try to be a better person for myself.

My past is my past…let it lie down and die away. I’ve wronged a lot of people in my brief time on this planet, and to those people for acts long forgotten: I’m sorry.

Why this open note? Because in order to make a clean break with the past, I felt the need to confront said past and acknowledge some of my failings as a friend, son, and man.

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